No one cares about your shitty photos

Relax wedding photographer super-friends, and the champion couples that have booked you. I'm not talking to you. Everybody wants to see your AMAZING PHOTOS!

 I'm talking to you, cousin Jenny. Hanging out in the aisle with you new iPhone 23, blocking the professional photographers shot of the bride or groom catching a first glimpse of their beloved bride or groom.

I'm talking to you Grandpa Bill, with the worlds biggest tablet. So big in fact, I can't even see your head behind it even though I'm only 2 feet away from you. Holding it up with uncanny strength with your elderly arms for the entire ceremony.

I'm talking to you, old school friend Jeremy Marsh, who inexplicably got an invite despite not having seen the groom for 15 years and being completely unknown to the bride.

JUST. STOP. IT.

If you have even a feigning interest in wedding trends, or have been to a wedding in the last 6 to 12 months, you've probably struck the "Unplugged" concept. It's great and it's pretty simple. You've been invited to a wedding. Watch it directly through your eye balls, rather than a screen. When the couple glance out lovingly at their assembled nearest and dearest, they want to see you, not your tech.

Firstly, and this should be the only reason you need - it's just bloody good manners. Straight up.

Secondly, no one cares about your shitty photos. Like, nobody. You've desperately jostled for position to get the best shot you can with you phones tiny lens. "But it's the best camera in a phone ever!" It's a camera in a phone. It's still pretty crappy. You don't see the wedding photographer slinging duelling Samsung whatevers.

Or, some may say even worse - Uncle Jimmy has just bought a DSLR online for half price and now he's a "photographer". No Uncle Jimmy, you're not.

But now you have your precious photo or 30 second video clip (or god forbid, the whole bloody ceremony). Now what? What are you going to do with it? Show a few people at your table that night? Thrill your colleagues back at the office Monday morning? They hope not. Dump them onto a USB and mail them to the happy couple? If you answered yes, we both know you're lying. And I'm not angry, just disappointed.

In most cases your marrying mates have paid good money for someone that knows what they're doing when it comes to the old point and shoot. Not only do professional photographers know how to take great photos, but they know what to do with them once they've taken them. The couple may have even hired a videographer. So stand down Poppy. That job's taken.

(Side note - if they haven't booked anyone, and ask you to do it, cousin Wilma - well then, just ignore this idiot.)

So if you want to take a quick shot of you and your mates before the ceremony starts, knock yourself out.

But if you find yourself hanging out into the aisle trying to get "OMG the best shot ever" - well, really knock yourself out.